OUR PRESIDENT, THE LIGHT OF THE DARK CONTINENT

President Bush is in Africa for some reason and I'm sure We can expect big things and positive results to ensue. Alright, I'm jesting. Nothing whatever will come of this. And this is probably a good thing. I have no idea what the dignitaries he meets there will make of him. He no longer drinks, is unlikely to show any interest in the local maidens and is in no position to dispense advice. Perhaps he just wants the company of leaders with even smaller records of achievement than his own. Incompetence, like misery, craves company. And then there is always the spreading of that ethereal substance we know as Good Will.

The president's message to the Big Men of the Sub-Sahara will also touch on what a swell idea it would be for Africans to stop murdering each other and to practice sexual continence in order to avoid AIDS. Well, good luck to him in that. His African hosts must marvel that he travels half way around the world to dispense American taxpayers money on such projects. I think if I were a third world kleptocrat I would be alarmed at the President's unseemly interest in the sex lives of my victims, I mean citizens. Let's hope he doesn't take it into his head to invade the Congo as part of American's mission to spread democracy and sexual hygiene.

In other news, I see that the Democrats in Congress are defending us from Human Growth Hormone injecting in sports. Is there anything too trivial for them to investigate? Apparently not.

Since the two parties have come up with three candidates between them, none of whom any sane person could support, I propose personally trying to recruit a decent alternative. After much reflection I've decided to approach Samantha Brown of the Travel Channel to throw her hat in the ring. She is the very essence of perkyness, delightful to watch, much better spoken than anyone in public life at the moment, and frankly a lot more sane looking.

Before you reject my idea ask yourself; would you rather have Samantha Brown in the White House or:

1. a angry meglomaniac political wife who named her only child after a neighborhood in London or,

2. an elderly fighter pilot given to obscene apoplectic tantrums or

3. a mulatto mystery-man, raised by malays, who speaks in tongues whenever policy questions comes up.

If one is to be honest, Samantha Brown though an unconventional choice, is actually a more rational alternative. I predict that if she were elected, she would not invade any other countries. She is used to speaking to foreigners and when she speaks to them and us, she speaks in whole sentences.

As fate would have it, CNN is showing President Bush's remarks in Tanzania as I write this. He refers to his audience as "Tanzenanians." He explains that he hasn't been there previously because "He is kind of a busy guy." And yes, he is going into detail about the benefits of abstinence and condoms. He also claims to be on a mission "against hopelessness." So I gather he believes that his personal aura will act as a kind of Prozac to the spirits of despondent Africans. I can almost feel the vibe from here.