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I am retired from government, law enforcement, politics and all other pointless endeavors. I eat when I am hungry and sleep when I am tired.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


I've mentioned before how superfluous the Comedy Channel is to anyone with CSPAN. Today's example is provided by Oregon Congressman Earl Blumenauer, champion of all Primates save humans. His bill, HR 80 would make the interstate commerce in apes, monkeys and other primates illegal, except under exceptional circumstances to be regulated by the Federal Bureaucracy. The good congressman was on display yesterday wearing an electric blue bow tie and what appeared to be a pink rubber bicycle on his lapel. Presumable he is also a bike path enthusiast as well as a friend to monkeys everywhere.

Rep. Earl Blumenauer introduced this bill in the last session but the hard hearted Senate didn't share is enthusiasm, so he's back at it. Now, with Chimpanzee rampage in the news, he hopes his ape obsession will become ours as well. But as is the custom with Democrats he couldn't resist the urge to over-legislate. Instead of the sensible step of outlawing possession of Chimps, who are quite dangerous, he wants to stop all commerce in monkeys as well. Now anyone who keeps a pet monkey is an an idiot. But if Blumenauer's fellow citizens want to have monkeys rummaging and defecating in their apartments, what business is it of his?

Reading the executive summary of the bill reveals that a regulatory exception to the bill is envisioned to allow for monkey assistants to the handicapped. I've seen these pet-assistants in the tube. They're rather like seeing eye dogs only far more capable in terms of retrieving things from cabinets, bringing the phone, etc. It's a nice idea if it works but can you imagine a worse fate than being a paraplegic trapped in a house with a mutinous monkey?

It's also possible that the Congressman has a hidden agenda. Perhaps he has been closeted with member of the Hispanic Caucus. They are ever vigilant to anything that might impede the torrent of illegal alien employment. And the seeing eye monkys are taking the place of home health care aides. That is, they are doing work that Americans won't do. So they want to ban the monkeys. Someone in the press should question on this.

By the way, banning Primate interstate travel would not affect the Archbishop of Canterbury in any way.

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